Self Exploration (day 9) – Silence

When I played hockey, one of my best friend’s dad’s used to call me Smiley. He was always saying something and joking around and I would just stand there and smile.

I think I still do this. If somebody wants to talk, I love to sit and just get lost in my own thoughts without having to be a conversationalist. I am a witness reading a book or attending a show. I am on a journey, and I actually quite enjoy the journey.

I always recognize when I can slow the journey down to allow the sweeter points to saturate my being.

I have never been a person who enjoys going out too many nights in a row. For that matter, I’ve never been a person who just went out clubbing. After such sensory overload I want to be able to process it; let the magic I’ve stirred up inside of me, flow out of me. Bombarding that first magic with a second, inconsistent magical force I believe hinders the alchemy of energies around me. Like putting two similar ends of a magnet together, they oppose one another.

That, and I feel it’s a distraction away from the commitments I’ve made.

I often ask myself if life is just meant to be social. We’re so often encouraged to let our extroverted nature out of us. Is something wrong with me by wanting and enjoying the journey inward? Am I limiting my life of all it’s fruit?

I go inward. I do have extroverted moments and I realize the necessity in our capitalist world to have them if I want to sell stories, but I embrace my inward journey with open arms. I like to listen and close my eyes and let the physical vibrations wash over my body and shake me to my core. Sometimes I even get lost in this feeling and the sound waves reverberating off my being lose all meaning, leaving only intention to impression my soul. My silence is often times infinitely more exciting to me then “warm beer and cold women,” as Tom Waits knows.

As a conscious being, I recognize and appreciate the necessity of connection. We need to feel another living being. I do not feel this equates to partying. I believe this is awareness. I have learned that what I have done in the past isn’t fulfilling the connection side of me, so I am trying to change.

I am challenging myself to embody the feeling I get when I close my eyes, and to tell that story. I believe the more aware of this I am the clearer my intentions will be.

I am teaching myself to not be afraid to tell that story. I believe this is listening to the voice.

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